


don't want to be alone

by Hawwkgirl



Series: a more complicated love [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's not completely intentional self harm but I'm gonna tag it just in case, Little bit of Fluff, M/M, Multi, Past Suicide Attempt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm Undertones, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-29 22:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6397261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawwkgirl/pseuds/Hawwkgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon had trying to be strong for so long. His friends and both his boyfriends thought he was doing fine. That was the mask he was wearing.<br/>But he wasn’t fine. He was far from it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm hoping to have the second part up within this week. We'll see how it goes.  
> Parts of this fic could be read as Self Harm so I just want that warning out there.

Simon slid down the wall in his bedroom, he hadn’t been back to his house for what felt like forever. He thought he would never be back to what once was his safe place. He was only at his house because his mother and sister were out of town, he had been watching them. Watching his family like he was an outsider. 

But the truth was that he  _ was _ an outsider, a stranger in his own house, in his own  _ body _ . 

He didn’t recognize himself any more, he didn’t know what he’d become. He was so lost, so confused. He didn’t know how to handle it.

He had only gotten by for so long because of Raphael and Jace, their support and care for him was what kept him going. But the truth was he couldn’t always be with them. They have their lives to live, Raphael a leader of vampires, Jace a shadowhunter. Both important. Both too good to be dating  _ him _ . 

What was he fooling himself, think that they actually cared about him? That maybe they actually  _ loved _ him? He was a nobody alive, and an even less nobody dead. An unimportant filth in the world. 

Simon dragged his fingernails down his face, but it hardly hurt, it only stung slightly and the tiny dot of blood he drew made him hungry,  _ for blood _ . 

He slammed his fists against the floor, the impact left two dents on the floor next to him, which only added to the fucked up state his room was in. His desk broken in half, mirror shattered, papers everywhere. It was clear his mother or sister had not gone near Simon’s room since he was last here. They were  _ scared  _ of him.

And even worse, he knew that they were  _ right _ to be scared of him. He couldn’t trust himself around them. He could lose control,  _ kill _ them, taste their blood, and  _ like  _ it. He was an absolute fucking  _ monster _ . 

Clary should’ve let him die. The world would be better off without him in it. 

A sharp sting in Simon’s right hand pulled him out of his thoughts, a shard of glass from his mirror was lodged into the side of his hand. 

Simon cursed, pulling the shard out of his hand and throwing it across the room, blood dripping from the large cut in his hand. He hardly registered the pain, either a part of being vampire or if it was that he was just too fucked up to care.

Did it really matter anyways? Would he die from bloodloss? Could he? He didn’t know and he didn’t really care. He wished he wasn’t such a coward so he could just end it himself. End his mistake of a life, an  _ undead  _ life.

Simon slammed his head back against the wall in frustration, a sharp pain spread out from the back of his head and his entire body felt dizzy and everything went black.

~


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, warning this does talk about past suicide attempts.  
> The part in italics is a flashback, the flashback is not explicit in the suicide attempt.

There isn’t a word to describe how Simon felt when he finally woke, it was like his _existence_ hurt. Part of him wondered if he had died and this was hell.

“-you _cannot_ be serious right now.”

Jace?

“Oh _don’t_ start, shadowhunter.”

Raphael?

“Whasgoinon?” Simon muttered, forcing his eyes to open.

“Simon?!” Both Raphael and Jace exclaimed in an odd synchronization and speed.

Jace was standing beside the bed Simon was in-when did he get in bed?- one hand resting on top of Simon’s, the other reaching out to Simon’s shoulder. “Thank god.”

Simon glanced to Raphael, who was standing at the end of the bed, his arms crossed, his perfect fingers tapping against his leather jacket, a nervous habit Simon recognized all too well.

“We thought-” Jace’s voice cracked, his eyes were red and his hands were shaking, Simon had never seen Jace so emotional before.

“ _Simon what the hell_ ?” Raphael asked, his voice was quiet and _hurt_. In one of his perfectly manicured hands he held out a piece of paper that was covered in Simon’s messy handwriting.

Simon sat up but he didn’t need heightened senses to know what was on that piece of paper, his eyes widened with shock but he didn’t have anytime to say anything before Jace snatched the paper out of Raphael’s hand.

“Do you have _any_ idea what we were feeling? Did you bother to think what _this_ would do to me? To both of us?” Jace demanded, holding the paper in front of Simon’s face. “We thought you were _dead_. And that this was the last thing we’d have from you! And you don’t even mention us! You-”

“Jace.” Raphael said softly, stepping towards Jace and putting a hand on the blonde’s shoulder.

Jace looked back at Raphael, their eyes met and it was clear there was a silent conversation going on between them.

“Let him speak.” Raphael finally said, lifting his hand from Jace’s shoulder.

Jace looked back to Simon, his mouth shut but his eyes pleading Simon for an explanation.

“You weren’t supposed to find that.” Simon mentally slapped himself as soon as those words came out. “I-I mean-meant- I didn’t write that! Well I did but I didn’t do it today. I… I wrote it when I first- when- when… _it_ happened… I couldn’t- I just couldn’t…”

Simon felt his throat closing up on him, his eyes were glazed with tears, he closed his eyes. He was certain that he had fucked up the best relationship he ever would have, that Jace and Raphael were going to walk out the door and he was never going to see them again.

He heard the bed creaking, and then Jace wrapped his arms around Simon, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Simon’s head.

“I love you, Simon. We _both_ love you so much.” Jace whispered into Simon’s hair.

Simon froze up at those words, he wasn’t expecting those words. Especially not now, not after what Jace and Raphael found out about.

Simon felt another pair of arms wrap around him, he hadn’t realized Raphael was also on the bed.

“He’s right.” Raphael muttered. “Jace and I, we may not agree on a lot of things, but we agree on one thing, how much we care about you.”

“I-I…” Simon didn’t know what to say. “I… I don’t- I can’t-”

“You don’t have to tell us right now, or ever. Just know that we’re here for you.” Jace said softly, pressing another kiss to the top of Simon’s head.

Simon broke into tears. “I don’t deserve either of you.”

“Bullshit.” Raphael hissed, pressing a kiss to the side of Simon’s head. “You deserve the world.”

“Who cleaned my room?” Simon asked quietly, glancing around his room which looked totally different than it was when Simon blacked out.

“Your other boyfriend is a neat freak.” Jace responded, a small smirk on his lips as he glanced to Raphael.

“I stress clean.” Raphael grumbled, giving Jace a glare that wasn’t half as harsh as it normally would’ve been.

Simon glanced between his two boyfriends, something wasn’t right about how they were acting, it was too delicate, like they were dancing around broken glass.

But the truth of the matter was, they _were_ dancing around broken glass, _he_ was the broken glass.

Simon knew that they were actually very curious about the letter that was now laying on the bed in front of the three of them, face down, hiding the message Simon had written on it when he had become a vampire.

That night he was ready to do it, to end it all. He couldn’t handle the horrid thing he had become. And it was the last time he actually interacting with his Mother and Sister.

 

 _He was hurt and confused, making his way away from the graveyard, he couldn’t be there. A hunger was ripping through his body like an earthquake, a hunger for_ blood _. The very thought disgusted Simon, he was disgusted at what he became._

_He found himself at his house, he didn’t even remember going there. But it was his safe place. Away from the crazy of the world that he was now apart of._

_Simon slipped in through the back door using the key that his mother hid under the mat- a horrible place to hide a key, it was the first place anyone would look. He was halfway to his room when his mother confronted him in the hallway. Apparently his sister was at one of her friend’s for the night so that his mother could have a talk one-on-one with him. But Simon didn’t need a talk, he needed to be alone. His senses were on fire and everything was ten times as worse as it would normally be. His mother’s voice rang out too loud, her nervous foot tapping sounded like thunder and he could_ smell _her blood, hear it coursing through her veins. He was so_ hungry _, he could hardly control himself, he felt like something took over his body as he slammed his mother up against the wall with such force it knocked her out- but whatever had taken over Simon’s body didn’t care. It was hungry, hungry for blood and she was just there, a living storage of blood._

_Simon somehow managed to take control of his body when he was only seconds away from sinking his fangs into his mother’s throat._

_He jumped back, his entire body shaking- what had he done- or_ almost _done? He was going to kill her!_

_Simon pressed his fists against his forehead, he had a horrible headache but he hardly gave a damn, he decided what he needed to do. It was clear that he should’ve stayed dead. He almost killed his mother, he was a fucking monster. He deserved to die. And it was going to happen that night, he just needed a piece of paper and a pen. He had to apologize to his mother. He had to say final goodbyes to everyone. Something which he could certainly not do in person. Not after what he almost did. No one else would be harmed because of him. Never again-_

 

“Simon,” Jace said gently, trying to snap Simon out of his flashback. “Come back to us, Si.”

“I was gonna do it.” Simon muttered, sinking into the bed, trying to make himself small. “That night, when I turned… I wanted to end it. That’s when I wrote the letter.”

Simon wasn’t sure if he was expecting a response from Jace or Raphael so he just continued on, trying to avoid his boyfriends’ gazes.

“That’s why you guys aren’t in it- the letter. It was before… us… _this_.” Simon gestured between the three of them awkwardly. “I haven’t tried since.”

Simon glanced down at his hands, just noticing the bandage on his hand where the glass shard had cut into. Jace and Raphael must have bandaged it up when Simon was unconscious.

“That was an accident.” Simon said, holding up his injured hand. “I didn’t mean to- I wasn’t trying tonight. I haven’t tried since that night. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Oh cariño,” Raphael whispered gently. “The day I stop worrying about you is a day I don’t see coming anytime soon.”

Jace nodded in agreement. “What he said.”

Raphael gently tilted Simon’s head towards him, wiping the younger’s tear stained cheeks with his thumb. “You are not a monster, cariño.”

Raphael’s lips met Simon’s, it was a gentle, soft and caring kiss. The kiss seemed to spread through Simon’s body, warming his entire body.

Raphael pulled back slightly, resting his forehead against Simon’s. “You’ve changed my life, Simon. I am forever thankful to you for everything that you have done to make my life better.”

Raphael pressed a quick kiss to Simon’s forehead before pulling his face away from Simon’s.

Simon glanced at his other boyfriend, he was just then realizing how much of a mess the blonde looked. His hair was messy and not at all in it’s normal style- just really flopping everywhere if Simon was being honest. There was a gash on Jace’s cheek which was clearly from a fight with a demon.

“How did you find me?” Simon asked, not really directed to either of his boyfriends in particular.

“I went to the hotel after killing the demon. I was hoping to have some time with you.” Jace replied slowly. “It was way past dark and Raphael had just returned from something and nobody knew where you were… We went to your room at the hotel, turned it upside down until we found the letter-”

“It was Clary that suggested checking here for you.” Raphael finished for Jace.

Simon was shocked. “Clary?”

“Clary.” Raphael repeated.

It made sense of course, Clary was the only other one who knew about Simon’s suicide attempts. The one he had when he turned into a vampire was certainly not his first, but it had been some time since he last tried.

“Did you tell her about the letter?” Simon questioned his boyfriends.

Jace bit his lip, glancing at Raphael before replying. “Yes…”

Simon nodded slowly, staring at the wall opposite of the bed. “Oh...kay.”

“She said it wasn’t…” Jace paused. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Simon gulped, he really didn’t. He didn’t want to even think about it.

“No.” He replied in a voice so quiet he was surprised that his boyfriends heard him.

“That’s alright.” Jace said softly, running a hand through Simon’s hair. “We’re here if you ever want to.”

Simon nodded slowly. “How long have I been out…?”

“It’s one in the afternoon.” Raphael responded, not really quite answering his question.

Simon’s eyes widened. “The sun-”

“Windows are blacked out.” Jace said before Simon could start freaking out. “Your family won’t be home for two more days. You need rest.”

“Will you stay…?” Simon asked, glancing between Jace and Raphael.

“We’re not leaving your side.” Jace responded, pressing a kiss to Simon’s forehead. “Not unless you ask us to do so.”

“Don’t want to be alone.” Simon rushed out, sounding a bit like a five year old.

“Then you won’t.” Raphael said, gently kissing the side of Simon’s head.

Jace and Raphael both slipped under the blankets on either side of Simon, helping him lie back down before they wrapped their arms around him, keeping him as close to each of them as they could get.

They were never going to let Simon be alone ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this fic! Kudos and comments are great!  
> According to google translate "cariño" should mean "darling".
> 
> This is the end of the fic.


End file.
